I used to pray for a stable relationship.
For someone I can be with and share my life with.
I am kind of on the edge of diving into one but I am afraid.
Anxious of not being able to maintain it perhaps, but I am thinking more of the changes that could happen to me- on time, places, people.
It’s just so confusing why I am going through this phase, when like two months ago, I would cry nightly, hoping for the right one to come.
Now that a lot is coming, I can’t let anyone in.
Putting my guards down is difficult for I’ve been hurt a lot of times recently and I must say that I can be bruised easily now, I need to be handled gently this days or I might falter.
I feel vulnerable, because I fall so easily.
This is my normal self I guess, full of ironies.
When I want something, I will go the extra mile, but when I’m almost there, I would retract. It is my flight reaction taking over.
Perhaps I am afraid because I am individualistic. I can not lose my self. I can not be restricted of freedom and time, of opportunities. After all I’m a Sagittarian- individualistic, freedom-loving. I so wanted someone to be with yet I am afraid of not being able to do things on my own. I just don’t like to be controlled because it violates my principles. I sometimes think that I am better off alone. I am such a proud person and I know it is not good, but I got to have a good grasp of it to keep myself as myself. It is hard but I have to do little adjustments I know. Step by step.
I am so thankful however that I have my friends beside me all the time.
Like literally and emotionally.
I find simple joys with them, sharing simple things that may seem shallow to most people but is a source of solace for me. Having dinner, enjoying a good show on TV, window shopping or sometimes, if budget allows, a shirt or two, making fun of ourselves, antm-ing (for those who can define it)- the things that make me sane and comfortable. They give me strength more than they ever know- the strength that I just need to carry on every single day and to still believe in myself.
Without you guys, I would be a mess. I have never been so accepted and loved.
Having a partner is much more different from having you in my life. They are completely of different dimensions- like comparing Michelle and Melrose (one point for those who can give the rationale).
If that one person comes, I will make sure that any compromise I must make, if there will be, will only be for the better. For me, the true test that someone has to pass is for me and you, to be loved at the same time.
I feel vulnerable, because I fall so easily.
This is my normal self I guess, full of ironies.
When I want something, I will go the extra mile, but when I’m almost there, I would retract. It is my flight reaction taking over.
Perhaps I am afraid because I am individualistic. I can not lose my self. I can not be restricted of freedom and time, of opportunities. After all I’m a Sagittarian- individualistic, freedom-loving. I so wanted someone to be with yet I am afraid of not being able to do things on my own. I just don’t like to be controlled because it violates my principles. I sometimes think that I am better off alone. I am such a proud person and I know it is not good, but I got to have a good grasp of it to keep myself as myself. It is hard but I have to do little adjustments I know. Step by step.
I am so thankful however that I have my friends beside me all the time.
Like literally and emotionally.
I find simple joys with them, sharing simple things that may seem shallow to most people but is a source of solace for me. Having dinner, enjoying a good show on TV, window shopping or sometimes, if budget allows, a shirt or two, making fun of ourselves, antm-ing (for those who can define it)- the things that make me sane and comfortable. They give me strength more than they ever know- the strength that I just need to carry on every single day and to still believe in myself.
Without you guys, I would be a mess. I have never been so accepted and loved.
Having a partner is much more different from having you in my life. They are completely of different dimensions- like comparing Michelle and Melrose (one point for those who can give the rationale).
If that one person comes, I will make sure that any compromise I must make, if there will be, will only be for the better. For me, the true test that someone has to pass is for me and you, to be loved at the same time.
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